i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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