Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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