3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Non-Jews are for practice
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
