I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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