You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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