just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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