I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
