Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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