i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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