I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
