My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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