really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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