Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
