Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
