i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
As shirtless as possible
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
