So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize