the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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