but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
