My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
