Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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