I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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