I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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