my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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