I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
