come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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