textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
