I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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