Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
