You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
