y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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