Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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