someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
