$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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