Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize