The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
