I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
