I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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