whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
