I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
