Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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