I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Pants are for mortals
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
