I puked a lego.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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