I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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