I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
