Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
