id be glad to
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need a beard to bite.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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