I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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