When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
