I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
