Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
