i may or may not be watching the land before time
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
