What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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