I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
