I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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