I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
our cab driver is having phone sex.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
