ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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