So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
