He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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