Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
