my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
