So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
