I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
