I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
